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Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’