criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
man: wait
time: no
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT