I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue