Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators