I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.