I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.