Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”