Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
How dramatic are you?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will