Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
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As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Sheep
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
They did not think through this water fountain