I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.