“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
OH. COME. ON.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.