Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
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when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
🙄😏😂🤣
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.