Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
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#JohnTravolta
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you