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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
new wife guy just dropped
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.