My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
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in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.