Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
a fate I wish upon no one
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”