[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
You Might Also Like
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
What a website
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*