Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
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My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.