Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
You Might Also Like
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.