10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
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[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.