I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
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My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.