Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
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[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops