When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Okay, I’m still confused…
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know