The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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Can’t stop laughing
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Breaking news:
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
just leave it at the foot of the bed