I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
#ProTip
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump