I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
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Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire