The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
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Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.