It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
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As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
My wedding will be open casket.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My time has come.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol