Eggs are just drums you can only play once
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For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.