Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
You Might Also Like
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
nice challenge
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.