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I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Has science gone too far?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”