My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I feel attacked.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…