“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
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I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
🏙👨🏼
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.