*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
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I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
wtf management?!
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.