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me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.