Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
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Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?