Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
You Might Also Like
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Attacked by a mop.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
#merica
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.