me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
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I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
tis the season
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me: