Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
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I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
#NoRestForTheWicked
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”