Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*