Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
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You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days