I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Not today.. 😂
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.