The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.