Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
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Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I can’t wait!
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.