evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
This could’ve been an email.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
#Caturday
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
This took me a second..
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
it must be school picture day