The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.