Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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some things should go without saying
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?