The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
You Might Also Like
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”