When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting