In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
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Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet